How (NOT) to Survive the 2020 Corona Virus Epidemic

“He who is infected with the fear of illness,

is already infected with the disease of fear.”

- Michel de Montaigne - 

Ok. Well. Yes. This is an opinion piece. Not that the WiFi is working. Not that the WiFi will be working anywhere in the world, ever again, by the time I finish writing this. And, even if it was, everyone will have chained themselves and their families to the radiators of their stockpiled maisonettes. 

It will be the same stupidity that ate it all up and got them there in the first place, that leaves all the electronic devices over on the couch, out of reach. Who would have thought that Dean fucking Koontz would end up being the next George Orwell?

So, this Coronavirus epidemic is really happening. I mean, it’s not really happening. Not like they say it’s happening, but its definitely fucking happening. I even took a job as a freelance writer, hence the slightly new format. ‘Take what they teach you.’ Apparently, I can do things to actually make people, other than you, actually read these things.

(Please note: I’m not a qualified health practitioner in any way, shape or form. None of this is intended as actual healthcare advice.)

A Short Personal History of Covid-19 

I was in China when this all kicked-off. My contract working backstage in musical theatre and my time spent feeling that Darwin’s theory had gone out clubbing and taken something potent were at an end. Sovi and I headed west across the south of the country towards Nanning and booked a ticket for Vietnam. Then we turned on the news.

We were a little void of hope, but still hopeful when we turned up at the train station. The last kind of person you want to let out of one country and in to another, is a diseased and infectious one. There was a big hold up and a speech about Chinese passport holders not being allowed to pass the border, and then everyone got on the train in the hope that their destination might have face-masks. 

A Chinese police officer. A man whose name I can’t remember, which is a shame. It’s a shame because he was quite the cunt. It’s a shame because no human being should be allowed to spread fear and misinformation without facing ridicule. Well, this man basically said I could go, but Sovi couldn’t. He took her passport at one point. Allegedly, Vietnam were having nothing to do with any goddamn Chinese nationals. I paused for a second and wondered what could drive a man to be so contemptuous towards the people he had chosen to serve. 

There’s a big difference between China and Vietnam. I’m sorry China, but there is. To be as fair as possible here: There’s a big difference between the man representing China and the man who was representing Vietnam. The countries are different too though. China has all you can eat tepinyaki buffets, one of the most prestigious delivery services in the world and exquisite affordable healthcare for visitors. Vietnam has beaches, coconut ice cream, great big smiles and Russian tourists.       

Naturally, Vietnam wanted to make sure we weren’t bringing a disease in to their country, and they did. Twenty minutes later they stamped our passports and said welcome. With a smile, China, with a smile. That was almost three months and 10,000 deaths ago.

Covid-19 Visits Old Blighty

I was taking a shit when I learnt that the UK was closing it’s schools, cancelling its examinations and the entire theatre industry had finally become what Shakespeare would have wanted it to be if he could see it now. 

‘Fuck, I’m going to be stranded in Phu Quoc unable to return to the sane and comforting island of Britain until this all blows over.’ I never once said. The toilet roll dilemma is 10,062 kilometres away, and the local gym owner here assures me he’ll be keeping the place open. I can envisage some dithery old-before-her-years crone from the Buckinghamshire county council on the phone to him: 

“But, sir, the virus spreads easily.....especially on metal.....and all that sweat everywhere.”

He’d hang up of course. He’d hang up, because people are people, and a lot of them are rational. When people are ill and there’s a global epidemic occurring, they stay at home. They do it of their own volition. Because, despite the questionable intentions of the mass media and what they’d have liked us to believe over the last two decades, people -even the ones that you don’t directly know- aren’t, by nature, cunts. 

How (NOT) To Survive The 2020 Corona Virus Epidemic

Best defence against the Corona virus... No, it’s not stay inside and do nothing for months. It’s not some half arsed propaganda about how good it will be to read more and learn some new skills and make the most of it and become the better you. It’s be healthy, and continue with a bit of extra caution. You might get it, you might not. If you do, you’ll probably be fine. If you don’t you might not be fine, but you’ll probably be fine. 

People are dying of it. I get that. It’s shit that things kill people. It’s shit that as we get old our bodies and our immune systems deteriorate and we can’t fight things like Covid-19 anymore. It’s worse that some people catch diseases, through no fault of their own, that weaken their immune systems prior to going grey.

It’s never good to know that people are dying. I’m there. I bought the tickets. When they ran out and the ticket seller sought help, I printed a few of my own and sold them on his behalf. It’s not good news, but it is the reality of existence.

It is our reality that moderated versions of pre-existing diseases are going to attack our collective wellbeing at times. It could be nature’s reaction to over population or it could simply be something that just is. It could be how we voted in the election. Maybe we’ve spent so long treasuring our fucking Netflix subscriptions and ‘thumbs-up’ buttons that someone or something somewhere decided it was about time we were reminded what it is to be human.

To binge watch television series, to buy in to fads, to reproduce works that shine no light on the depth of the human experience, to drink heavily and furiously smoke cigarettes, to read Dean Koontz, to start fights with strangers, to ignore those who are suffering because you can’t see past your phone screen, to ignore the you that is suffering because you can’t see past your phone screen; to willingly let yourself decline because our ‘advance’ as human beings led us to believe that individual upkeep is hard work, and our ‘advance’ has actually been little more than to make things easier. 

Well. 

That is all your own choice.

That is all your own choice. Much like tying you and your family to the radiator when, some one who wouldn’t even take the time to ask how you were feeling about things, asked you to. 

Step away from the radiators, stay healthy and stay human.

If you liked it, come read more and don’t forget to  share. If you didn’t and you’re angry, leave a comment or send me a message. I’m marooned. I have time to reply in person. (Unlike the person asking you to tie yourself to a radiator).