Another 2020 blog to add to the pile.

“It was morning; through the high window I saw the pure, bright blue sky

As it hovered cheerfully over the long roofs of the neighbouring houses.

It too seemed full of joy, as if it had special plans,

And had put on its finest clothes for the occasion.”

- Herman Hesse - 

Limber up.

I woke up fresh, an hour before my alarm was set for. I had just finished running 5k at a generous incline when it went off. I saw the new year in with an echinacea tea, and a video call with a slightly tipsy Sovi and the adorable stray she rescued. I haven’t written anything in a while and just wondered if the words go down the same as they used to. My desk is a clutter of vitamins, minerals, medical reports, notebooks, half drunk cups of herbal teas, empty electrolyte sachets, coins from four different countries, a pair of sunglasses -lenses down- and one pink gum shield. I wasn’t going to write anything because I’m working on a novel, but I’m not doing so much work on the novel so I thought I’d forgive myself this one last vice. Happy New Year.

It’s clunky, I can feel it. My hands are spending more time on each other than the keyboard. Truth be told, there’s a sense of betrayal. I was going to write two handwritten sheets of A4 every day without fail, and then I froze. I sat and began to ask questions. Firstly, I questioned my writing. I picked it apart, cursed its flow and got outright bored of what it was saying. Then I moved on to my music. It was lazy and incomplete. It was all a reflection of me. When you have something in your head that you’re not only good at, but you are focussing on crafting your future with it... When that something seems to fail you, or you fail that something, then you are faced with the very thing that drives some of us to addiction. The you that you don’t want to be alone with. Numb the reality that doesn’t mean enough.

I’m not sure how long I wallowed this time, but I know it was shorter and more intense than usual. I also know that it did lasting damage. I also know that lasting damage amounts to a lasting drive in the right hands. If I put my hands up, speak forthrightly and truthfully I can get this done like I was meant to. So here goes. I have been in the most stagnant atmosphere since I sat at a bar and drank myself close to death throughout  most of my twenties. I know enough to know that when the loudest characteristic of your environment is its stagnancy there is one thing you should do, and that is move. After prolonged exposure you become your environment. I have found myself reminiscing over the years I spent working alongside vulnerable adults and those entrusted in furthering their development. I have found myself reminiscing over months spent training in Thailand. I have found myself reminiscing over meaning. 

I hear myself in conversations saying ‘there are no hierarchies of how we choose to exist, only differences.’ I must of heard it somewhere and realised it was a good tool when trying to get a point across to someone on the defensive. Do I believe it? Absolutely fucking not. I drank, fucked and smoked through eighteen years. At times, proud of the character I took on; proud of how long I could keep sobriety away for; proud of the numbers; watching the cigarette smoke dance around me like it contained the power of thought. I now know that in the hierarchy of existence that is beneath me.

I read and heard a few resounding interesting things over the last six months. Jordan Peterson’s view on casual sex; how, in order to use another person for sex and sex alone is a mirror of the worth we attribute to ourselves. Gabor Mate’s concept of addiction. That it stems from emotional loss and trauma. It’s a way of not being with your pain. That perhaps, someone who needs to mask their pain with something might not feel particularly highly of who that person is. I have always watched. I have been in the close company of very anxious people, some paranoid, some probably unknowingly depressed, some on medication, and I have watched. I have been in the company of extremely peaceful, loving, strong, calm, intelligent and progressive people, and I have also watched. I’m not saying that there is anything close to simply one or the other, but I am saying that it is important to watch. There are key differences. You will spot them in yourself as you travel between the two polarities. Watch yourself and others with an intense curiosity.  

These are two main questions I asked myself recently, and if you ever wake up not wanting to face the world I might suggest that you ask yourself them too.

1) Are you physically healthy, and working towards becoming healthier -physically stronger, improving your cardiovascular system, do you eat well, what do you put in your body? I’ve actually been mocked for turning on to a mainly plant based diet. I have stopped drinking and smoking. I had someone actually make a snarky ‘your body is a temple’ comment at me the other day, and it left me thinking. It left me thinking why my politeness kept me from stating that this person was probably overweight and that their future physical and mental health was in jeopardy as a result of their physical stagnation, but more importantly, it had me thinking ‘Yes! Yes it is a temple.’ It’s wellness is directly linked to my mental health, of which I’m naturally quite depressive.’ The last eighteen years of my life flashed up and I wondered what the fuck I’d been doing with them. In just two weeks treating myself as I should I have felt such an immense change in wellness, imagine what eighteen years of that would do. The easiest way to manifest this is to always do more than you did yesterday, and it doesn’t have to be much. As long as it is always more. 

2) How are you spending your time? Like it or not, how you spend your time is a fairly intensive reflection of who you are and what you’ll become. If you have to sacrifice eight hours of a day to employment and six to sleep, then the remaining ten are yours. If you wake up late or spend the day in bed because you feel like shit, then you’re nervous system is going to close up. You’re going to shrink. If hours are spent scrolling through social media, blindly or hunched over Netflix then you are going to pacify your energy. You’re going to become a breeding ground for high blood pressure, anxiety, high cortisol levels, low dopamine, lack of motivation. From what I can see, if you do enough of it, you might even run the risk of celebrating it. I am immensely grateful for the stoic approach at the moment. I’m also grateful for the wonderful spin that reveals itself after a while. The concept being that you sacrifice now for later. This is to assume that the fast food, sinking in the sofa, drinking binges, casual sex, mindless television all feel as if it would be painful to give them up. I suppose, in the throes of mindless living, it does. The amazing twist is that when you replace fast food with good food, sinking in the sofa with exercise, drinking binges with meditation, casual sex with self discipline and mindless television with learning, you eventually learn that you weren’t really sacrificing anything at all. Then you can start making real sacrifices.

It is the first day of 2020, and I’m not much of a fan for these seminal claims. Nor am I particularly comfortable around traditions. Last night will have made a few people a lot of money with what made everyone else wake up feeling like shit. Christmas will further install a sense of needing more. I will told to be shut up, and that’s why I keep my head in books and not mediocrity. It is the first day of 2020. The UK is still in denial over the election results and we live in fear of the direction the country will take in the hands of madmen, but where is the actual fire in the suffering? If everyone began to craft themselves in the image of something that they loved would things be different? I am very lucky to be a few days away from a new life with someone I love dearly. I am very lucky to be functional. I have no excuses to take any of this for granted, and neither do you. 

It is the first day of 2020. Love yourself and care for yourself dearly. It is the only way to have a positive impact on this world.

I dedicate this, then, and whatever happens next to my late mother and father. To my sister and her family, and of course Sovi. Let’s fucking do this baby.