On agony. Pt 1

"Consumed by the agony of remembrance.

The remembrance of night's festive company.

The one remaining candle flickers

and dies."

Mirza Asadullah Khan Ghalib

I feel as if now is the right time to discuss my concept of agony to you -if I can be so foolish as to use the word ‘right’ at such a time. I do not write any of this with a sense of self pity, although perhaps it is a way in which a man like me gives a cry for help; I feel as if life has proffered me sufficient qualifications on the matter. I feel as if...

In the late garbled nights of substance abuse and sleeplessness I find myself ruminating on the dangers of bestowing the power to bring joy upon another person, for in that power resides its opposite. Those that look to someone for happiness will find a darkness in their absence. In the bleary eyed afternoons I wonder where the grief goes. I can only assume that the brain and body stores it out of the way for the time being and then at some point, as the fatigue sets in, it is released slowly as a steady drip. Unforgiving, but nevertheless, educational.

I do not sleep. Turbulence. I’m not sure I’m awake. Mother died. I pour what I can over it and I feel my body weakening; hoping that the mind follows behind. In life we build resistance, and in this case it is a resistance against release. I have learnt to mold agony in to fire, but there is nothing to set alight. These creatures all beg for luke-warm. Safety. Where are the fire eaters; the truly passionate. Those who have learnt that agony is a predisposition for life. Perhaps they are all hidden away, disgusted by the fearful and bland. I speak to one at a distance, and we reminisce -after ten long years we have both remained strangers to the rest of the world.

The shift is the only way I understand how. The clenching of fist and the baring of teeth. The eyes are a window to this as the iris blends agony with a need to bite. It is a weakness, but the animal in pain will often lash out in a moment of blind panic; the way a child sinks its teeth in to a pillow and feels as if it cannot bite hard enough at times of despair. There are dents in these walls, but I am not afraid of being human. I live in lust of the willingness to release who we are and what we want despite the potential shock of the onlookers. If there is one thing that you should never let contain you, it is the rulebook of strangers. My brain conjures a discourse, but when in agony, one should not become personal. One should learn to marinate.

Be alone as supposed to suckling on the teets of the sympathetic bystanders. Remember to fill your chest with air, and when the screams come, let them go. They will kill you off otherwise. Move: You stand on the crumbling edge of depression and this is where you give a soft smile to the fire inside. Leave the stillness of sadness to them; let them take their pills. Throw punches, fuck, read, dance, count the faces in the mirror and address them all with the respect and gentleness they deserve. This is no time to be staring at walls under the influence of ballads, nor is it time to grow furious attempting to meditate. You are energised, you need to move with intent, and the situation offers you the right to release it.

I am not condoning outward displays of violence, not like the drunk fist stumbles of the thug. I am talking about a calm and controlled aggression. Life is violent at times. It kills relatives and steals love from us. One has to be able to offer a return. A steady gaze and an unwillingness to shift. Be upright. Protect the self in all of its forms. Soon you will be able to sleep. Imagine if you will, a wolf on the brink of starvation. It must move to catch its prey. It must find the ability to snap its jaws otherwise it will perish under the weight of failure. In the case of the agonised human, there is no gazelle. The prey is pain, and in devouring it we possess its energy. There is so much electricity in me, the door handles spark when I touch them. Never fear going crazy. It is a gift, and in it you will find the true self. The entire whole is already there.

Namaste fuckers.